7-4. Take Me Out to the Holosuite.

A friendly game of baseball...

THE PLOT

Capt. Solok (Gregory Wagrowski), a Vulcan Sisko knew at the Academy, visits the station for repairs and takes the opportunity to revive an old rivalry with Sisko. He sniffs at the inefficiency of the human repair schedule, diminishes Sisko's accomplishment at being awarded the Christopher Pike Medal of Valor, and ends the meeting by challenging Sisko to a "contest of teamwork, courage, and sacrifice" - a game of baseball.

Sisko accepts even before presenting the challenge to his senior staff, all of whom agree to go along with playing this completely unfamiliar, antiquated game of which their captain is so fond. But as they train, it becomes clear that Sisko doesn't regard this merely as a game. There is something deeply personal in this contest, leaving the captain regarding his upcoming game with Solok with the same ferocity as the Dominion War itself!


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: Becomes extremely short-tempered toward the very people trying to help him, and temporarily loses the support of his crew when he kicks (an admittedly hopeless) Rom off the team. In a private moment, he fills Kasidy in on the background between him and Solok: The Vulcan not only defeated him in a wrestling match, he then used that match for years after as a way to show Vulcan superiority over humans. Now he has picked baseball - a game that has deep personal meaning to Sisko - determined to rub Sisko's nose in it by using his own game against him.

Odo: Sisko convinces him to act as umpire, prevailing on his ability to enforce rules impartially. Odo agrees reluctantly, but then throws throws himself into the role. A charming moment has Kira observe him practicing calling people either safe or out, as well as rehearsing ejecting people from the game. He gets to use that last against none other than Sisko himself, when Sisko touches his chest while arguing a call. This cues the Third Act Crisis, as the team is left with a losing game and no leader. But it's a fun scene, not least because Sisko's behavior has demanded a comeuppance all episode long. It also sets up a very funny moment later on.

Kasidy Yates: She goes along with the game, seeing that it's important to Sisko. But as it becomes clear that it's a little too important, she pushes him to reveal the truth about his rivalry with Solok. He makes her promise not to tell the others, which she does with utter sincerity in her voice - And the episode then cuts immediately to her revealing all so that the others understand why their captain is acting like a maniac.

Rom: Volunteers for the team in order to connect with Nog, having spent far too little time with his son since the boy joined Starfleet. He is hopeless at baseball, unable to grasp any of the rules and unable to do anything with even the slightest competence, no matter how hard he tries. Sisko cuts him from the team with clear anger in his voice and face, leading to almost all of the others offering to quit if Rom isn't reinstated. Rom begs them not to do so, telling Nog and the others how badly he wants to see them play. Max Grodenchik is terrific, managing to be funny, sympathetic, and even dignified in his ineptitude, and Rom's subplot lends the episode a bit more emotional heft than Sisko's personal rivalry would otherwise have sustained.


THOUGHTS

In the middle of the Dominion War, our heroes - and the series - take an episode out to play a game of baseball on the holodeck. It's fair to say that Take Me Out to the Holosuite could have been truly dire.

Thankfully, character comedy has proved to be something Deep Space 9 does rather well. Take Me Out to the Holosuite doesn't climb the same heights as such past delights as The House of Quark or In the Cards, but it's still a charming little episode, with the characters well-captured, the regulars all giving committed performances, and the script providing enough small gems to keep a smile on my face through most of the run of the show.

Particular points to writer Ronald D. Moore and actor Gregory Wagrowski for making Solok so instantly punchable. The viewer wants to wipe away his ever-present smirk just as badly as Sisko does. Given that Sisko is far from on his best behavior for most of the episode, Solok being so hateable goes a long way toward making sure we're invested in the game's outcome.

While most of the episode tries for amiable comedy (and, more often than not, succeeds), it shifts gears effectively into drama for the scene in which Sisko recalls his past with Solok. The scene is critical to making us understand Sisko's motives. Avery Brooks sells the emotion... and then the cut from Kasidy promising to keep it secret to her spilling all to the team restores the comedy in time for the game.

The ending is also well-judged, allowing our characters a victory of a sort without straining credibility. The real win isn't the outcome of the game, it's Sisko remembering that the game is meant to be fun. The enjoyment he's able to take in the end of the game, and the unpredictability of the key point scored, remind him of all the reasons he loves the sport, allowing him a pleasure Solok - playing simply to spite Sisko - cannot appreciate. The final shot, of the baseball signed by every member of the team, ends it on a perfect note.


Overall Rating: 7/10.

\Previous Episode: Afterimage
Next Episode: Chrysalis

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6-23. Profit and Lace.

Quark as a Ferengi female. Some things you just can't unsee.

THE PLOT

Quark is surprised at the arrival to the station of his mother, Ishka (Cecily Adams) and the Grand Nagus, Zek (Wallace Shawn). He's even more surprised when they tell him Zek has been deposed. At Ishka's prodding, he decided to revoke the Ferengi ban on women wearing clothing, thus allowing them full access to Ferengi society. The response was panic throughout the Ferengi Alliance, which has turned for deliverance to Zek's rival, the loathsome Brunt (Jeffrey Combs).

Zek and Ishka have a plan. They will contact every member of the Ferengi Commerce Authority, counting on gratitude for past aid to make them throw their support behind Zek. There's only one flaw: Ferengi society isn't built around gratitude, and most of the dignitaries hang up as soon as Zek's name is mentioned.

One influential member does agree to come meet with them, however: Nilva (Henry Gibson), founder of Sluggo Cola. His voice and profit margin are such that his support alone will be enough to return Zek to the throne. They are certain that a meeting with Ishka will convince Nilva of the wisdom of letting females into society. But before Nilva can arrive, Ishka gets into an argument with Quark - which ends in a heart attack, leaving her alive but in no fit state to meet anyone.

Which leads them to Plan B: If they don't have a brilliant Ferengi female to meet with Nilva, they will make one... Out of Quark!


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: Just one episode ago, we saw Sisko trying to enlist Zek's help against the Dominion, yet here he doesn't even appear to notice that both Zek and his rival have arrived on the station. One can imagine an alternative, smarter version of the episode in which Sisko makes the pragmatic choice to try to win the support of Brunt, the apparent new Nagus, forced to ally with this loathsome toad in his scheming against Quark and Zek - Sort of a comedy counterpoint to In the Pale Moonlight. As it stands, Sisko is limited to a single scene in which he does nothing of interest.

Quark: As with all Quark-centric episodes, Armin Shimerman's performance is the greatest asset. The moment in which he stands up to the gloating Brunt, kicking him out of his bar with the only effective repetition of the episode's "acting Nagus" gag, sees him genuinely heroic... Just before he disappears into his quarters to lie in the fetal position. He trades venomous barbs with his mother, whose feminism he blames for Zek's downfall and his likely impending ruin - but when she collapses under the weight of his anger, he is horrified (though equally eager to hide his own culpability).

Brunt: Jeffrey Combs is deliciously malignant as Brunt, and one of the few genuinely good things about Profit and Lace is that it returns Brunt to his former status as a proper adversary. Watching Brunt swan around with the Nagus' stick in hand, gloating to his enemies as he plots their future ruin, it's obvious that the worst possible man has been put in charge of Ferengi society.

Grand Nagus: At least Zek isn't quite as pathetic here as he was in Ferengi Love Songs. Ishka may be the centerpiece of the plot to restore his position, but he's an active part of the plotting and scheming, rather than just a muddle-brained figurehead. I could have lived without the scenes of him leering at Leeta and, later, at Quark-as-a-woman, and anything that ever worked about this character has long since drained away... But he's easier to take here than in his last appearance.


THOUGHTS

As can probably be seen by this point, I do not in any way agree that Profit and Lace is the "worst episode ever" of Deep Space 9. It's not good, and more gags miss than hit. But it does offer a couple good performances, particularly by Shimerman and Combs, and at least reps an improvement over the previous Zek/Ishka horror, Ferengi Love Songs.

If that doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement... Well, it isn't. But I've only liked a couple of episodes featuring Zek, and I haven't like any in which Ishka had more than a cameo. So when I say I found this episode to be reasonably watchable... Well, let's say that was enough in itself to exceed my expectations.

The show does open on a particularly bad note. The teaser sees Quark sexually harass a pretty young employee, threatening to fire her if she does not perform Oo-Moxx on him. The scene has nothing to do with the plot, its only payoff an extremely feeble joke at the very end. It's there only to make Quark unlikable enough so that we'll want to see him humiliated - And since this isn't Quark's normal behavior, it feels as wrong for the character as it is uncomfortable to watch.

That scene aside, the first half is passable. The scene in which Quark, Rom, and Nog try to get members of the Ferengi Commerce Authority to come to the station, only to have every contact insult them and hang up, is briskly-edited and quite amusing. Brunt is presented at his most obnoxious, putting us firmly on Zek's side by default, and each scene manages to stack the odds just a little bit higher against Quark & company.

The second half is genuinely awful. I'm not sure there was much comic mileage out of "Quark in a dress" to start with, and there's not one fresh or original moment. Between Zek hitting on Quark and Nilva chasing Quark around a table in a way that was tired in silent comedies, it becomes borderline embarrassing.

So, yes: I'm definitely giving Profit and Lace a below average rating. Still, given its extraordinarily poor reputation, I was pleasantly surprised to find it watchable. As an hour of Deep Space 9, it's mediocre at best - and "mediocre" is generous. But it isn't torture to watch, and it is very far from the series' worst.


Overall Rating: 3/10.

Previous Episode: Valiant
Next Episode: Time's Orphan

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6-10. The Magnificent Ferengi.

Quark takes on the Dominion. Or as Rom puts it: "We'll all die!"

THE PLOT

Quark receives a message from the Grand Nagus: His mother, Ishka (Cecily Adams), has been captured by the Dominion. As if that wasn't bad enough, the Nagus has given Quark a directive - To personally rescue her.

Rom sensibly recommends they hire Naussican mercenaries to take on the task. But Quark is feeling slighted. The deeds of Starfleet officers get all the attention, while Quark's efforts on the station's behalf are all but ignored. That stokes his Ferengi pride, and he declares a course that strikes Rom as suicidal: To mount an all-Ferengi rescue mission.

Starfleet-trained Nog makes a valiant effort to make commandos out of a band of Ferengi outcasts, but it's clear that this group will never be able to get through Jem'Hadar soldiers. That's when Quark realizes that they must play to the strengths of the Ferengi. He needs to forget a military assault, and instead open a negotiation, using one of the few bargaining chips the station has to offer: The cowardly but slippery Keevan (Christopher Shea), the Vorta captured by Sisko months earlier.

Keevan is less than thrilled about being traded back to the Dominion. Vorta are supposed to commit suicide rather than allowing themselves to be taken prisoner - Meaning that the only welcome he can expect is a long and agonizing death...


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: After Kira directly voices her support for Quark, Sisko grants permission for the Ferengi to use Keevan as a bargaining chip. Both Kira's recommendation and Sisko's agreement to give up a valuable prisoner demonstrate just how much their view of Quark has changed in light of his actions during the recent occupation.

Quark: Has always had an enormous sense of pride in being a Ferengi, which makes it believable that he wants to show that his people are capable of acts of heroism. Whatever else Quark may be, he is a natural leader. He doesn't come up with the specific ideas for the rescue. It is Rom who recognizes that they need to act like Ferengi to succeed, and it is Nog who comes up with the idea of fooling Yelgren (Iggy Pop), the Vorta in charge of trading Ishka for Keevan. But Quark is the one who keeps the group moving forward at every turn, and is the one who deals directly with Yelgren. He is the definite leader of this band of miscreants, and fully deserves it when his mother and brother express pride in him at the end.

Rom: Continues to follow his brother's lead, almost by default. He is able to steer Quark in the right direction - encouraging him to barter with the Dominion rather than try to fight, for example. But for the most part, he is there to support Quark in gathering his Magnificent Ferengi and in completing the mission. Rom can't lie to save his life, though, and almost destroys the entire exchange by letting slip that the reward promised by the Nagus is much larger than Quark is letting on.

Nog: Continually tries to execute the mission in the manner of a Starfleet military operation. He barks out orders, much to the scorn of the other Ferengi, and is taken aback when Quark gets his band to move "on the double" by promising latinum. Rom expresses pride in him, exclaiming, "My son, the soldier!" Quark is simply disgusted: "They've ruined him."

Brunt: No longer Liquidator, in the wake of his failed attempt to unseat the Grand Nagus, Brunt is now powerless enough to actually turn to Quark. Not surprisingly, Quark's first inclination is to tell his one-time nemesis where to shove it, but Brunt has something the rest of them do not: A ship. It's thin justification for adding Brunt to the mix; I find it hard to believe Quark couldn't lay his hands on a ship on very short notice, and he certainly could do so once Sisko gave the mission his blessing. But Jeffrey Combs is so much fun, I can't regret it. I'm just sorry that Weyoun couldn't have been in the episode as well, so that we could have had a double-dose of his two great DS9 villains.

Keevan: The memorably despicable Vorta from Rocks and Shoals reappears here. He's still driven by a desire to save his own skin, which now means resisting the attempts to trade him back to the Dominion. He tries to talk the Ferengi out of completing the trade, noting that Yelgren will certainly kill them all either before or after the hostage exchange. When that doesn't work, he attempts to flee - an attempt thwarted only by Quark's foresight in having Rom disengage key ship functions. Keevan's final words of the episode are a perfectly disgusted and, in context, hilarious sigh of: "I hate Ferengi!"


THOUGHTS

Readers of my reviews know that I have a rocky relationship with Ferengi episodes. I've enjoyed some individual pieces, such as Prophet Motive and Bar Association, but have found many others (such as anything involving Quark's mother) to be tedious and unfunny.

Even so, I found myself looking forward to The Magnificent Ferengi. It's an episode with a good reputation, scripted by the reliable Ira Steven Behr and Hans Beimler. Besides, the notion of almost all of the series' recurring Ferengi banding together for a mission against the Dominion is irresistible.

Fortunately, the episode easily lives up to its reputation. It is fast-paced, clever, and very funny. While the recurring Ferengi supporting characters only get enough time to establish themselves as "types," each does get a chance to amuse. I particularly enjoyed Leck (Hamilton Camp), a Ferengi psycopath who acts as an "Eliminator," who appalls Quark and Rom - not because he kills, but because he cares more for the challenge of the kill than for the money he is paid to do it. Brunt and Gaila (Josh Pais), Quark's gunrunning cousin, return, and both have suffered for their past encounters with Quark in ways that make them fit into this episode, but that are also entirely consistent with where we last saw them. Rom and Nog both get plenty of fun moments, while Quark makes as engaging an anti-hero as ever.

The snappy pace is a big key to this show's success. Unlike Ferengi Love Songs or Family Business, this script zips along, piling one complication on top of another. There's a constant forward momentum, with no wasted scenes and no chance for the action to drag. The gags are worked seamlessly into a tight, expertly-structured narrative; and while some have found the final gag involving Keevan and a bulkhead to be in bad taste, I have to admit to laughing uproariously at this final indignity visited on a man who is, after all, one of the most despicable recurring characters in Trek history.

I could carp about Iggy Pop's casting, as he gives one of the weakest performances on this show in recent memory... but even there, his low voice and bemused attitude somehow "fit." And what can be said against an episode where even Ishka didn't annoy me?

All in all, while this doesn't quite live up to the greatest Quark episodes, such as The House of Quark and Little Green Men, this episode remains a sprightly delight. Highly recommended.


Overall Rating: 8/10.

Previous Episode: Statistical Probabilities
Next Episode: Waltz

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5-26. Call to Arms.

Deep Space 9 under attack!

THE PLOT

The Dominion is preparing for war.

This has been true for some time, but now it seems imminent. Convoys of Dominion warships are coming through the wormhole on a weekly basis, further reinforcing their already strong presence in Cardassian space. More and more Alpha Quadrant governments are signing non-aggression pacts with the Dominion, with the Romulans the newest addition to a growing list. If this continues, Sisko knows, the Dominion will become unstoppable. So he orders his crew to mine the wormhole; and when Odo protests that this could start a war, he acknowledges as much but points out that they are "losing the peace."

Rom comes up with a plan to create cloaked, self-replicating mines to prevent the Dominion from simply vaporizing the minefield from the mouth of the wormhole, and Dax and O'Brien are quickly able to make that idea into a reality. But the Defiant has barely begun the painstaking work of laying the mines before the Dominion learns of their plans. Weyoun comes to the station, for once devoid of grins or patter. He is there to deliver an ultimatum:

"Either you remove the mines, or we will take this station from you and remove them ourselves!"


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: Lives up to his role as the Emissary by endorsing the non-aggression pact between Bajor and the Dominion. As he confessed to Kai Winn in the previous episode, and repeats to Kira in this one, the Federation cannot guarantee Bajor's safety. The only way to protect the planet and its recovery is to keep it out of the fight. Left to hold off the Dominion with limited resources, Sisko relies on tactics and surprises. He orders Martok to warn him when the Dominion but not to engage until he gives the word. He uses the station's upgraded defenses to engage the enemy while the Defiant finishes the minefield. And he prepares a final surprise to avoid anything useful being left on the station - along with a last message for Gul Dukat. Avery Brooks is superb throughout, and his expression at the end of the episode is genuinely, frighteningly fierce.

Kira/Odo: Have been avoiding each other ever since the revelations of Children of Time - which would have been nice to actually see, given that their only interaction since (in Blaze of Glory) seemed entirely friendly and comfortable. Here, the awkwardness is obvious - though much alleviated once Odo reassures her that he will make no move to change the nature of their relationship, at least not until after the crisis has past. Kira visibly relaxes, and Odo cannot help but make an ironic observation about how comforting it is to only have to deal with imminent war, rather than a (gasp) relationship crisis. They are once again firmly established as a team at the episode's close; and where things leave off, they will probably need to rely on each other quite a bit over the next season.

Rom: The episode's limited "B" plot sees Rom and Leeta finally get married... Something Rom frets over even as he works with the station's command staff to make the minefield work. A very amusing scene sees Rom switching between random wedding jitters and brilliant solutions to the problems posed by the minefield: One sentence of "Rom the Idiot," followed immediately by one sentence of "Rom the Engineering Genius," and back again. It works, thanks equally to Max Grodenchik's delivery and his co-stars' nonplussed reactions as he basically solves all of their problems as an afterthought!

Weyoun: A false and smarmy good cheer has marked Weyoun's every appearance to date - which makes it all the more effective when he arrives in this episode, still and humorless and entirely determined to get his way. The scene between Weyoun and Sisko is masterful, as each man first tries to intimidate each other, then goes through the hollow motions of a diplomacy both recognize as pointless before leaving to prepare for battle. Weyoun is equally firm with Dukat. When the Cardassian wants to attack Bajor, noting that Cardassia did not sign a non-aggression treaty, weyoun has to remind him very firmly that as a part of the Dominion, he is bound by their treaties. Weyoun jerks Dukat's leash a second time, at the end, reminding him that the Dominion's highest priority is not the station but the minefield Sisko has left to block further reinforcements.

Garak: Muses about how, when the Klingons attacked Deep Space 9, he and Gul Dukat fought side by side. "At one point, he turned his back to me - And I must to admit that, for a moment, he made a very tempting target." When Odo asks if Garak regrets not killing Dukat, he replies bluntly: "Before this day is over, everyone on this station is going to regret it."

Gul Dukat: From his perspective, the assault on Deep Space 9 is simply re-taking that which is rightly his. He wants to push on to Bajor, as well, and Weyoun has to remind him that Bajor's non-aggression pact with the Dominion is binding. This scene and others show signs that Dukat is starting to resent taking orders from Weyoun and the Dominion. I suspect he's already looking for weaknesses, since a man like Dukat isn't going to be satisfied serving under an outsider's rule for very long...


THOUGHTS

The fifth season draws to a close as the Cold War with the Dominion, which has built up over the past three seasons, finally erupts. In a big way, too. Deep Space 9 has consistently raised the bar on Trek combat sequences.  The Die Is Cast was the biggest space combat scene yet seen in televised Trek (or a lot of movie Trek for that matter); The Way of the Warrior was bigger.

The combat sequence that makes up the last third of this episode makes both of those look almost small by comparison. The station is under attack by an unstoppable force, and the effects work and editing allow us to see Deep Space 9 as a small speck engulfed by a locust-like cloud of enemy ships. Jay Chattaway's excellent score, the editing, and most importantly the context built up by the carefully-constructed script all combine to make the scene as desperate and exciting as the situation demands.

What really makes the battle so effective is the groundwork laid by the first two-thirds. Stalwarts Ira Steven Behr and Robert Hewitt Wolfe take time to make sure we understand the stakes, and create a scenario where it's entirely believable that Deep Space 9 has been left to deal alone with this overwhelming force. The script also finds plenty of time for human moments: Rom's wedding jitters, and his insistence on watching out for his brother; Odo and Kira, agreeing to avoid exploring any romance until after the crisis has past; Quark, smuggling in Cardassian yamok sauce in preparation for the station's inevitable fall; Sisko reflecting on how the place he hated to be assigned to has become a home he hates to leave. This is done consistently: A big scene establishing the larger situation, a small scene showing how individuals react to it. We get to see the larger tapestry while at the same time viewing several of the individual threads.

The battle itself is splendid, but even better are the closing scenes. The last part of the episode acts as an epilogue to the combat, and it also sets the stage for next season. The characters are scattered, each becoming ready to fight his or her own part of the war that has officially begun. Some will work from behind enemy lines; some will fight on the front lines; others will stay with the main fleet to help coordinate. It's a tantalizing set-up, one which leaves me eagerly anticipating the season to come.

The final three shots could each have served as a memorable ending shot: Gul Dukat, pondering the message Sisko has left for him; Sisko, seeming to give a glare that can cut through light years to reach his nemesis; and the actual final shot, of an enormous joint Starfleet/Klingon fleet. Two nations that had been at war at the start of this season, now firmer allies than ever as they prepare to face the most formidable foe they have ever encountered.

Any one of the three shots would be a fantastic closing. But what's even more impressive is how each builds upon the one before, until the slow fade to black that leaves you desperate for the next installment.


Overall Rating: 10/10.

Previous Episode: In the Cards
Next Episode: A Time to Stand

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5-20. Ferengi Love Songs.

Quark's mother, in love with the Grand Nagus.

THE PLOT

With his bar closed due to a vole infestation, Quark falls into a deep depression. At Rom's urging, he returns home to Ferenginar, much to the dismay of his mother, Ishka (Cecily Adams, taking over for Andrea Martin). He has barely arrived before he discovers someone lurking in his closet: Grand Naguz Zek (Wallace Shawn), who is in a secret relationship with Ishka.

Quark senses an opportunity to use the relationship to have his FCA license restored. When the Nagus refuses, however, Quark falls under the venomous sway of Liquidator Brunt (Jeffrey Combs). Brunt promises to issue a new business license if Quark sabotages the relationship between Zek and Ishka. It's a despicable act, one Quark is all too happy to commit - until he realizes that Zek is slipping into senility, and that it is actually his mother's advice that is enabling the Nagus to hold the Ferengi government together.

Meanwhile, Rom and Leeta announce their marriage. Rom agrees to a traditional Bajoran ceremony. But when some ill-advised words from Chief O'Brien lead him to think that Leeta should agree to some Ferengi marital traditions as well, he picks the wrong one: a prenuptial agreement that would deny her the right to hold any property whatever. When Rom insists, Leeta announces that the wedding is off!


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: Just to add insult to the injury that is this terrible episode, we get a quick aside in which Sisko is mediating between Worf and Odo. The issue at hand involves Klingon General Martok's difficulties adjusting to life on Deep Space 9. It's a fun little scene, well-performed by all three - and enormously frustrating, because that would have been a much better plot than either of the ones actually follows.

Quark: We discover here that he's actually miserable in the wake of the FCA blacklisting and hates his life... Which would ring far truer if he hadn't seemed emotionally fine in every other episode this season. Quark is horrified to admit that he has any sort of conscience, despite many previous episode showing him doing decent things in full awareness of what he's doing. But then, this isn't the real Quark, this isn't the Quark who stood up to Sisko for his people being better than humans or the Quark who wrestled with a hard-fought internal battle between profit and saving innocent lives just two episodes ago. No, this is Quark as caricature, reduced to a joke character to further some bad comedy. Armin Shimerman does his best, as always, but there's just no saving the material.

Grand Nagus: While I was never a big fan of Zek in previous episodes, there at least was a bit of an edge to him. He was genuinely shrewd and manipulative, which kept him from being an entirely "safe" comedy character. This episode reduces him to exactly that. Giving Zek Ferengi Alzheimer's isn't entirely without merit as a plot turn - but not when that concept is used solely as an excuse for "senile old man" humor, as is the case here. Making matters worse is the portrayal of the love affair between Zek and Ishka, with the two cooing at each other in a manner that's not simply undignified, but leaves both characters downright infantilized. I never looked forward to a Zek appearance before; but now, I suspect I'll be outright dreading future guest spots.


THOUGHTS

After Business As Usual followed in the footsteps of some solid Season Four offerings, showing how enjoyable a Quark-centric episode with a bit of edge and bite can be, Ferengi Love Songs helpfully reminds us just how tedious and soul-sucking a toothless Ferengi "comedy" can be. We revisit Quark's mother, last seen played by Andrea Martin in Season Three's dreary Family Business. The change of actress has not made the character any more endearing, though in fairness to actress Cecily Adams, the problem isn't her - I just find the character to be entirely grating.

The episode really is just two jokes, alternating back and forth: two old Ferengi in love (because old people in love = comedy, particularly when they act like children), and the Nagus slipping into senility (because real life senility is such comedy gold). The "B" plot is actually even worse, with Rom attempting to push Leeta into being a proper Ferengi wife... which predictable results, only to reach a predictable conclusion.

The ever-reliable Jeffrey Combs manages to inject a few chuckles into his too-brief appearances as Brunt. Even Brunt manages to be entirely neutered by this episode, though, reduced to hiding in Quark's closet while practicing his evil laugh. The end of the episode has Quark treating his threats as a joke.  What a way to treat the first and only genuinely menacing Ferengi in all of Star Trek: de-clawing him for the sake of a few cheap (and unfunny) gags.

All told, I would rank Ferengi Love Songs as the worst episode of the season. Yes, in my opinion, even worse than Let He Who Is Without Sin... I was reduced to watching this in installments, simply because I could only take ten minutes or so of it at a time, and I will be very happy to never go anywhere near this episode, ever again.


Overall Rating: 1/10.

Previous Episode: Ties of Blood and Water
Next Episode: Soldiers of the Empire

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5-16. Doctor Bashir, I Presume.

Dr. Bashir is less than pleased by a reunion with his parents.

THE PLOT

Dr. Bashir receives a visitor: Dr. Lewis Zimmerman (Robert Picardo), the man who created the Emergency Medical Hologram (in his own image, of course). Zimmerman's new project is to create a Long-Term Medical Hologram (LMH), to act as the doctor on assignments where assigning living medical staff would be impractical. Dr. Bashir's record has captured the attention of Starfleet, and he has been chosen as the template for this new program.

In order to make the holographic Bashir as human as possible, Zimmerman conducts a series of interviews with everyone who knows him. When Bashir requests that he not interview his parents, as they are "not close," Zimmerman says he understands - and then makes contacting them into a priority. Soon, Richard Bashir (Brian George) and his wife Amasha (Fadwa El Guindi) have come to the station, much to Bashir's annoyance.

More than simple family drama makes him reluctant to include his parents. The Bashir family has a secret: Genetic engineering, that transformed young Julian from a slow and uncoordinated child into a prodigy. This is against Starfleet law. If it's discovered, the older Bashirs will face a prison term - and Julian, the end of his Starfleet career!


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: Though he can see the strain between Bashir and his parents, he doesn't pursue it, obviously considering it the doctor's own business. When he does learn Bashir's secret, he pulls the needed strings to strike a deal to save Bashir's career. 

Dr. Bashir: This episode doesn't so much fill in Bashir's background as upend everything we thought we knew about him. In a way, it makes sense: Bashir is too good at everything. He's a brilliant doctor, he's an athlete, he's a quick-thinker in situations dealing with espionage or escape. Heck, he even was able to carry back a generator single-handed after getting caught in a Klingon ambush. I almost wonder if the writing staff didn't look at how improbably capable he was and decide that, if they were going to tell a story dealing with genetic engineering, figured it would explain a few things. Alexander Siddig does well with Bashir's anxiety over his secret, and he's convincing in playing his resentment toward his parents, his father in particular.

O'Brien: Has enormous fun with the Bashir hologram, at one point getting a kick out of watching the incomplete program walk into a wall over and over. When Bashir's secret comes out, he is supportive, listening to his friend talk and trying to persuade him that this doesn't diminish his own achievements. "You're not a fraud. I don't care what enhancements your parents may have had done. Genetic recoding can't give you ambition, or a personality, or compassion, or any of the things that make a person truly human." At the end, when he recognizes that Bashir has been letting him win at darts all this time, he insists that his friend play properly - but once he sees what that means, he does insist on a small handicap.

Rom/Leeta: The forming of their relationship via middle school theatrics occupies the "B" plot - unfortunately. I'll grant that the Leeta and Rom characters are childlike enough that it isn't completely unconvincing when they have so much difficulty making their interest plain. But I still don't find it entertaining, and the entire thing sucks up a lot of screentime that could have been put to better use developing Bashir's story. Ah, well: At least they're firmly established as a couple now. I can only hope that the relationship itself is more enjoyable than this was.

Dr. Zimmerman: Voyager's Robert Picardo guest stars, not as the Doctor from that show but as his creator, Lewis Zimmerman. Picardo is a lot of fun, as always. His Zimmerman performance is also very distinct from his holo-doctor, as is made very visible in a scene in which the EMH is activated. Zimmerman is just as arrogant, but without the program's insecurity and with a healthy libido (which allows him to insert himself into the Leeta/Rom subplot). I would have preferred less of Zimmerman chasing after Leeta in favor of perhaps a scene of Zimmerman and Bashir talking after the secret is revealed - but he's a welcome guest star just the same.


THOUGHTS

Doctor Bashir, I Presume is a thoughtful episode, dealing with issues ranging from tension between an adult and his parents to genetic modification. It tackles the Star Trek universe's continuity, with Starfleet's prohibition of genetic modification turned around so that it is one of our regulars who is affected. It changes what we thought we knew about Dr. Bashir, and features good performances across the board. 

I think it says quite a lot for Deep Space 9 that I find this worthy effort to be one of the five weakest episodes of the current season.

My problem with this episode isn't really with what's there, at least not in the "A" plot. The scenes with Bashir and Zimmerman are entertaining, and the idea of creating a long-term holographic doctor makes sense, a way of building on the franchise's introduction of the Emergency Medical Hologram on Voyager. Alexander Siddig gives another fine performance, Colm Meaney provides reliable support as O'Brien once again shows his fundamental human decency, and guest stars Brian George and Fadwa El Guindi make Bashir's parents convincing, flawed but still relateable, human beings.

It feels like something is missing, though. The solution to Bashir's dilemma comes too easily, Sisko basically arranging for it offscreen. More drama could have been made of it, with the guest admiral of the week maybe demanding Bashir's resignation until Sisko is able to convince him otherwise. As it stands, the only price paid comes from a guest character we've never seen before. The actors do their best to sell that as a real consequence, but unless more is done with this down the road, it feels like it comes too easily.

I think one of the main reasons the "A" plot feels incomplete is the presence of the "B" plot. With every other scene cutting back to the Rom/Leeta/Zimmeran triangle, there's barely any time to give Bashir's situation the exploration it needs. The material with Bashir is substantial enough to demand the full episode, and writer Ronald D. Moore certainly is capable of giving it the focus it needs. The "B" plot just plain doesn't allow the time, and the comedy tone of the subplot clashes badly with the rest.

In a season of shows that have regularly ranged from very good to great, this one is merely "okay." The ideas are good, and I have hopes for good things to be done with the revelation about Bashir... but it's very obvious watching how much better an episode this should have been.


Overall Rating: 5/10.

Previous Episode: By Inferno's Light
Next Episode: A Simple Investigation 


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5-5. The Assignment.

O'Brien's family is threatened by an unexpected source.

THE PLOT

O'Brien is waiting with chocolates and a string of excuses for killing the plants when Keiko returns from a trip to the Fire Caves on Bajor. The chocolates are appreciated, the excuses unneeded... because Keiko's body has been taken over by a Pah-wraith, a spirit of Bajoran legend.

After demonstrating its ability to kill or cripple Keiko in a single second, the wraith makes its demands. O'Brien is given thirteen hours to make a series of adjustments to station operations. It's a tight deadline, allowing no room for distractions, deviations, or attempts to warn the command crew. If he finishes the work, he is promised his wife's safe return - but when Dax notices that system specs are "slightly off," O'Brien is trapped with a tight deadline and a search for a saboteur - Himself!


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: Though his role is decidedly a supporting one, we do see his trust in O'Brien throughout the episode. Even at the end, he doesn't greet O'Brien with an immediate arrest - He just tells O'Brien that he has "a lot of explaining to do," with evident faith that the engineer will be able to explain his actions.

O'Brien: He gives into the wraith's demands, but he never stops trying to find a way to thwart it. Even as he performs the initial adjustments, he asks the computer to calculate how long it would take to render Keiko unconscious in various ways. He knows that for any method to stop the wraith before it can harm his wife, it has to be effective in less than a second - an interval that even a phaser set on "stun" isn't safely within. As the wraith's deadline gets nearer, O'Brien becomes steadily more desperate, finally abandoning his own hopes of covering his tracks in order to do what is needed to save those he loves.

Keiko: The wraith has access to Keiko's knowledge of O'Brien's personality, and recognizes that the only way to keep him from telling Sisko is to reinforce the threat against his family. There are several instances of this throughout the show, but the most memorable has Keiko contacting him in a meeting to show that she is with their daughter, alone in their quarters. Rosalind Chao, who is often pushed into the fairly thankless "main character's wife" role, seems to enjoy sinking her teeeth into some villainy, and the way she shifts from the cheerful wife to the icy enemy - sometimes with as little as a sideways look - is highly entertaining.

Rom: Last season's Bar Association saw Rom leaving his brother's bar for a position in Engineering. That finally sees some follow-up here. Refreshingly, Rom is where you'd expect somebody new to be: At the bottom, working the night shift in Sanitation. When a member of the swing shift is out, Rom is selected to temporarily replace him and, though the other members of the team show little interest in talking to him, he does his work well enough to catch O'Brien's notice and be enlisted as an ally in meeting the pah-wraith's tight deadline. Rom's technical knowledge is such that he quickly puts together the purpose of the adjustments, something that the wraith has hidden even from O'Brien - leading to O'Brien's own final plan to ensure his family's safety.


THOUGHTS

The Assignment is the annual "put O'Brien through the wringer" episode, something that's been a tradition ever since Season Two's outstanding Whispers. Colm Meaney's ability to be completely relateable and sympathetic in virtually any situation makes him a natural for these episodes and, far from degenerating into tedious formula, these O'Brien episodes are routinely very good-to-great.

On the sliding scale of "O'Brien Must Suffer" episodes, it is closest in quality to Season Three's Visionary. It's a good plot-driven thriller, well-constructed and very entertaining. But it lacks the paranoid edge that made Whispers so memorable even before its ending revelation, nor does it have the emotional punch of Hard Time. 

But it is a good episode, nicely anchored by Colm Meaney's Everyman persona. Effective moments include "Keiko's" birthday dinner for O'Brien, in which she invites all of his co-workers and mingles with them effortlessly and charmingly, dashing any hopes that the others will notice anything "off" about her. In fact, they shower her with praise for every aspect of the party, rubbing further salt into the pah-wraith's message that she's in control and no external party is going to rescue O'Brien from completing his assigned sabotage.

The Pah-wraith is defeated a little too easily, with O'Brien concocting a last-minute scheme that works perfectly and with no complications. Still, if the ending isn't great, neither does it fall completely flat. The Assignment remains a satisfying episode, and leaves me looking forward to seeing O'Brien get run through the wringer again next season.


Overall Rating: 7/10.

Previous Episode: Nor the Battle to the Strong
Next Episode: Trials and Tribble-ations 


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4-16. Bar Association.

Liquidator Brunt (Jeffrey Combs) of
the Ferengi Commerce Authority.

THE PLOT

It's the Bajoran Time of Cleansing, a month-long period in which the Bajorans abstain from worldly pleasures... which puts a severe dent in the business at Quark's bar. Seeing his profit margin slipping, Quark decides to make up the difference in time-honored Ferengi fashion: By exploiting his employees. He gathers his workers and announces that he is going to cut their pay by a third, snapping at Rom when he dares to protest.

An offhand comment by Dr. Bashir leads Rom to consider a drastic means of retaliation. He holds an employee meeting and calls on them to create a union and go on strike. But Ferengi law does not smile on labor unions, and it isn't long before the dreaded Ferengi Commerce Authority turns its gaze toward this dispute. Quark's old adversary, Liquidator Brunt (Jeffrey Combs), arrives with a promise to end the strike - "by any means necessary!"


CHARACTERS

Capt. Sisko: When the strike begins to cause disruption among his officers, he sits down with Quark to push the Ferengi to settle the situation. Quark balks, so Sisko shifts gears and intimidates him instead. He threatens to hold Quark accountable for five years' worth of back rent, power, and maintenance unless the Ferengi sits down with his brother to hammer out an agreement.

Quark: The first half of the episode shows him at his most grasping, and his treatment of Rom is outright cruel. Quark never considers trying to deal with Rom's strike with violence, however. Once Brunt and the FCA become involved, Quark instantly worries about Rom. He begs Rom to give in before he gets hurt, and is clearly uncomfortable when Brunt begins musing about "sending a message." In the end, Quark is able to solve the problem he helped create by using his Ferengi ingenuity.

Worf: Continues to find life on Deep Space 9 "unsettling." When he catches a thief stealing from his quarters, he confronts Odo about the lax security on the station. Things like this, he says, never happened on the Enterprise - which hilariously prompts Odo to read from a datapad a few of the Enterprise's highlights during the time Worf was in charge of security. Worf resolves his issues, at least for now, by moving his quarters to the Defiant. Meanwhile, his flirtation with Dax continues to grow, as the writers wisely build on the chemistry Michael Dorn and Terry Farrell have demonstrated in previous episodes. 

O'Brien: Gets a terrific little scene in which he responds to Rom's plan to form a union with enthusiasm. He recalls an ancestor who led a coal miner's strike in Pennsylvania. All the workers' demands were met - but O'Brien's ancestor didn't live to see it happen. The scene is still funny, particularly Rom's reaction to hearing about the union leader's fate, but it also has a bit of added texture that the rest of the episode lacks.

Rom: Season Four has been very good to Rom. He already worked as a sparring partner for Quark, but he has steadily emerged as a strong character in his own right. The show has gradually demonstrated since Season Two how strong Rom's technical skills are, and his Season Three appearances started to show that he was a lot smarter than his brother gives him credit for. In this episode, he finally stands up to Quark and shows genuine courage and leadership skills.

Leeta: Moves from a background character to a significant supporting role, acting as Rom's second once he forms the union. She admits to being surprised by Rom's courage, but she is entirely supportive of him throughout the show. Chase Masterson is appealing, and plays so well opposite Max Grodenchik that I wouldn't mind seeing this relationship developed further.


THOUGHTS

Last week, I reviewed False Profits, a Voyager episode centered around the Ferengi. This week, I find myself reviewing a Ferengi episode of DS9 - and the difference is stark, and really points to the difference between the two shows. False Profits saw two Ferengi guest characters behaving like pretty typical, one-dimensional Ferengi. Some of the gags were funny, some weren't, but with everything played for laughs there was no real added dimension to carry the show through the jokes that misfired.

Bar Association seems on the surface to be a typical Ferengi comedy. Quark is at his most greedy and selfish, and even Rom initially struggles to get the word "union" past his throat even as he forms one. But there's added depth here, and that goes beyond the regulars. Quark and Rom are established characters who have depth, but even the Ferengi guest characters show more dimensions than Voyager's guest Ferengi in the other show. One of the Ferengi employees reacts to the FCA's arrival by falling to his knees and begging for mercy - but the other Ferengi do not. Meanwhile, Brunt in this episode may be the first Ferengi to actually succeed in being sinister, as he plots violence in a matter-of-fact manner, all the while keeping a crafty grin on his face. Instead of one, monolithic personality for all Ferengi, each speaking Ferengi has his own persona.

The "B" plot with Worf also works well. Writers Ira Steven Behr and Robert Hewitt Wolfe build on issues Worf has had in previous episodes, principally his problems with being constantly surrounded by disorder. When Dax tells him that he will have to adjust eventually, Worf replies with strength: "Maybe it is all of you who will have to adjust to me." Even so, Worf gets a deserved smackdown from Odo when he tries to claim that Deep Space 9's security is more lax than Enterprise's. Like all the characters, the Klingon has his strengths and also his weaknesses.

This wasn't an episode I was looking forward to - but all in all, it was surprisingly entertaining. As with almost any Ferengi comedy, not all of the gags work. But with the character depth and the building character relationships, there is plenty of genuine interest to keep the episode going even when a joke falls flat - and the raising of the stakes, with Brunt and his Naussicans presenting a genuine threat in the latter half, keeps momentum building instead of letting it lie flat as so many "comedy episodes" do. 


Overall Rating: 7/10

Previous Episode: Sons of Mogh
Next Episode: Accession


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